To Me (only younger)

Today I turn 30. Here is a letter to my 20 year old self, the person that started me on the path to who I am today ( an idea from Cassie).

Dearest Amanda,

Thank you for being the strong willed girl that you are. I know that you think your world is crashing in on you right now, but I will tell you that you come out of it on top and knowing what you want more than ever. You figure out what you really want in your life and make some really hard decisions about your love life, your career and your values that you still believe in. Its okay to talk to someone about what your going through, in fact I recommend it. You stress out too much (we are still working on it today).

Its a big year for you. You live in your first apartment and I will tell you this much, don't rent a basement apartment. You make a very big decision related to your college career and its hard but you make a very good choice and through the hard work you come out loving what you went to school for. You will have some doubters about your change in direction, but you are making the right decision and the doubters will become believers. Don't be so scared, believe in yourself.

Boys, they are the greatest love and heartache in your life. That boy your with I know your facing some disappointment with him right now, its OK to give up on him. In fact, you have someone in your life that your aren't acknowledging, someone that has been trying to get your attention for a few years. Open your eyes, he becomes not only your best friend but also the husband and father you dreamed about. All I can say is your life is going to be really good by the time your 30 and that you have prince charming in your life already, you just don't know it yet. And you have an awesome wedding, just like you dream about.

If you didn't gather from the last paragraph - you’re going to be a mom. It’ll happen at exactly the right time. Just remember that you don't have a lot of time to get to the hospital like they tell you in the class and epidurals ROCK. There’s nothing to be afraid of and oh my god – wait till you meet your son. You can’t even imagine the wonder and beauty and magic of a son.

As for mommy and daddy, you need to try and not get so involved. I know your trying to be the one that holds things together, but you need to work on how you feel about the disappointment. Everyone comes out of it okay and you will be able to repair your relationships with both of them. Don't be so hard on them, marriage is hard work. What they taught you growing up doesn't all have to be thrown out the window because they didn't want to keep fighting for something that wasn't there anymore. They are still good parents and you will come to realize that you were really lucky to have the childhood you had.

Keep going to the gym, its your best stress reliever. I know you have body issues (and those haven't gone away, we're still working on it) but when you work out you feel better about everything. Keep it up and give yourself a break, your beautiful and worth it.

Also, it's not such a bad thing to get passionate about a cause, or take sides on things. I know conflict makes you a bit uncomfortable (well, lets be honest really uncomfortable), but some things are definitely worth having an opinion on, even if it makes you and some other people a bit uneasy.

Your 20s are going to be stressful, hard and full of big life changing decisions that put you in a really great place when you turn 30. You will be happier and healthier and all that crap you are going through will make you so much stronger. So what if it takes you years to get it all together? Stop being so hard on yourself. You are okay, you are beautiful, you are stronger than you think. You will be fine and you will look back and realize that it all happened for a reason. So, good job, honey. You are doing what you need to do in order to become me.

Turn up the volume on Cake's "I will survive", roll down the car windows and sing to your heart's content. Don't forget to have fun.

Amanda